What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 00:07
I was scared of men, in general
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot live in the past .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What should I do if I love someone who does not love me?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
Have you ever been humiliated in front of a group of girls and enjoyed it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all you people that took the "jab" feel lied to yet?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it wasn’t much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
She found it foreign!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.